What's my problem again?

self reflection la. not emo

There are so many things i would like to be doing right now. There are so many things i would like to achieve. None of those things co-relate and it's bothering me. NCC is not like the army, girlfriends are not lovers, youth soccer is not like sport and wellness management and friends might never remain. Things will never be the same forever and that fact i can never fully comprehend.

I have learnt from my youth days to let nature take its course but now in my early days of adulthood, everything seems to make an impression that you're the one who will have to make things happen. You help him help you. You reap what you sow. Where did destiny, luck and fate go?

It's happening again isn't it? History is ever-repeating itself. So what's gonna happen now is that I'm going to succumb into those thoughts about making things happen. I'm going to go all out and work my ass off for everything that I am in and become mentally strong, very strong. Wait. What's mentally strong again? What's wrong with worrying and being affected?

I was mentally strong before. And then i realised i couldn't be mentally strong, romantic, fit, easy-going, friendly and everything else i wanted to become all at the same time. I couldn't be perfect. So i slowly loosen my grip. I took things as they come. I had everything but what goes up has got to come down. Not everyone could control their sub-conscious mind. Not everyone understands how words could break the strongest heart. I'm tired of falling and picking myself up again and again but i understand very well not to give up on life that easily.

Like everyone else I'm very dependent on others but not everyone else is always around. This is when I ask people out and they start asking me the occasion of the outing. They find it surprising. I have the time to ask people out but i can never have the right mood to ask people out. Even if i have the right mood, I might not enjoy the outing. It's not easy to look forward to an outing for one whole week that would only last for a day and going through it every week.

I've been the soloist before. I have felt how it was to lead others. I've decided to learn how to be a follower now but it doesn't work that way. You have to learn how to lead and follow at the same time. This is something i've just concluded, right before typing that sentence out. Now I understand what a team player is. Now I am the team player. I lead and follow.

Nobody in their right mind wouldn't miss people they've met for any quantum of days. It's touching when you can still keep in touch with them no matter how far they are :) but it hurts when you know they're around and you cannot reach them. The heart grows fonder over the absence. Fondly in pain.

Even if everything that should have happened, happened. The words that i say could change things and stop certain things from happening. They might be words meant to serve as an output to me but could be a dagger to you. That's life and when life gives you shit, get a bottle of your favourite drink, wear your most comfortable set of clothes and smile. That's when it's ok to say you're alright.